its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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