the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
