My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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