Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
