i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
