Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
