I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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