He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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