I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
