so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
