3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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