I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
