I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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