I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
please come you make the beer taste better
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
