Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
