I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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