I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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