I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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