I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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