dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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