watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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