If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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