I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
