I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Randomize
