Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
