Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
