Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Holy sore nipples Batman
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
