ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
