Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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