Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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