Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
