I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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