Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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