Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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