I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
