your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
