I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
