i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
