yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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