had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
