I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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