Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
