I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Are my feet made of real feet?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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