am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
