when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
