Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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