if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
