My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
