Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
