Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
